“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.”
― Robert Frost
My counseling approach can be summarized succinctly in two words: empathy and understanding.
Every counselor/therapist has a frame of reference (based upon their own personal philosophy rooted in both their life experience and education) which they use when working with individuals. These are my “ways of seeing” and hopefully will help you to decide if my counseling approach is right for you. My most basic “philosophy of life” is that everyone is born good and whole. But, life happens; and it sends us difficulties we can’t always understand or perceive in the best of ways. Sometimes these problematic life events affect our core beliefs negatively. When this occurs the way in which we perceive ourselves and the world changes.
My opinion is that the purpose of counseling or therapy is to help individuals reclaim their initial goodness and wholeness. In order to do this there are certain tools that I utilize such as challenging negative cognitive beliefs rooted in traumatic memories, utilizing EMDR (Eye-Movement Desensitization and Re-Processing), EFT (The Emotional Freedom Technique), Internal Family Systems (IFS), providing empathy and compassion, teaching effective communication and coping skills. One form of cognitive therapy that I like is Narrative Therapy. The premise of Narrative Therapy is that as people develop negative core beliefs their memories sort of “coalesce” around their beliefs forming stories about themselves. Examples of problematic narratives include “I’m a failure,” or “I’m stupid” or “I’m unloveable.” The challenge then of the Narrative therapist is to challenge these negative stories with memories that don’t always fit with the existing narrative. They work with people to develop and internalize new, preferred narratives.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is another way to heal negative core concepts. The premise of IFS is that we are all born with a Self that has the capacity to heal. However, this Self is often obstructed by other protective parts that are born out of fear and tirelessly work to protect more wounded or burdened parts from being triggered. The goal of IFS is to validate and connect to protective parts through curiosity and compassion so burdened or wounded parts can be healed allowing the protective system to relax.
Active listening is an approach that I use whether it’s with an individual, couple, or family. In active listening there is one speaker and a listener. The speaker attempts to convey a message in a way that is not judgmental to the listener can be in a better position to listen rather than react or become defensive. Once the speaker finishes then the listener summarizes what was heard. Once the speaker feels heard then it’s the listener’s turn to speak.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Re-processing) is another tool that helps to challenge core beliefs by helping the brain process ruminative memories that can haunt people throughout their lives. This technique is based on evidence-based research that supports the theory that traumatic memories can be “processed” by the use of alternative bi-lateral stimulation. This bilateral stimulation is accomplished by providing either alternating hand-tapping by the therapist to the client’s palms or utilizing a device with two pulsating nodes that provides the bilateral stimulation without physical contact. By thinking about traumatic memories and feelings with the added bilateral stimulation these memories can then be “processed” by the brain to no longer cause rumination. Please refer to EMDRIA website for more information. EMDR is not for everyone.
Another tool that I use which is similar to EMDR is called EFT and stands for the Emotional Freedom Technique. It belongs to a discipline called Energy Psychology. The person is taught how to tap on acupressure points while focusing on traumatic memories and the beliefs associated with them. (Do you see a pattern here?) In a matter of minutes, EFT can help people gain insight into their negative core beliefs and the network of memories that support them simply by tapping on acupressure points. It might seem silly to see adults tapping on different acupressure points, but it really can work. I have seen it happen over and over. When this technique is effective it can lessen the length of therapy significantly. Please refer to the EFT website for more information.
Obviously, childhood is the time of life when core beliefs are formed. The attunement between parent and child is critical. The ability of a caregiver to accommodate him or herself to the needs of the child, and satisfy those needs, thus providing a safe and stable environment for the child to grow is crucial. Again, life happens. Parents have challenging jobs. They’re stressed. They fight. Sometimes there’s only one parent. Tragedy and hardship strike. Substance use can drain vital energy needed to raise children. Parents aren’t always armed with the best skills at caregiving because they themselves were the recipients of poor caregiving. Inadequate caretaking is passed from generation to generation. Consequently, children grow into adults without having many of their earlier developmental needs met. The extent of this lack can result in a whole host of difficulties in their inter-relationships with family, friends, partners, and co-workers. Counseling and therapy can help by providing psychoeducation around the consequences of inadequate parenting in childhood to their present life circumstances. And, through empathy and compassion help people move to overcome these earlier unmet needs.
For others, providing empathy and compassion can fuel the fire of earlier, unmet childhood needs. Before things like challenging core beliefs or EMDR can be done people first need to learn coping skills. Everyone has their own way of coping with the difficulties of life. People cope in all kinds of ways – watching TV, listening to music, talking with a friend, gardening, exercising, cooking or cleaning. Others cope through alcohol, drugs, sex, rage, manipulation, and the internet. Coping skills are wide and varied and can include such things as going to the gym on a regular basis, taking time to go outside and play, creating a list of supports to call in times of need, attending self-help groups, learning how to meditate and practice mindfulness, paying attention to one’s breathing, and other grounding skills that help keep people in the moment as opposed to the past or future. I’ve discovered that seeing the humor in life is probably the best coping skill around.
Yes, the present moment. The happenings of life keep us stuck in the past or in fear of the future. In other words, un-resolved suffering blinds us from being in the present moment.
However, there are also those who benefit from a combination of therapy and psychopharmacology (psychiatric medication). They may be so overwhelmed by symptoms and unable to attend school, work, or parent that they need medication to simply function. Or, there are others who have been genetically pre-disposed to psychiatric symptoms and require both psychiatric medication and therapy. Taking psychiatric medication doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to take it forever. It’s always good to have a discussion with your psychopharmacologist about the length of time needed for psychiatric medication to be most effective. Some people do need to take psychiatric medication for the rest of their lives.
Active listening, Internal Family Systems, EMDR, teaching coping skills, and mindfulness are all modes in which empathy and understanding are used to promote healing and wellness. So, that’s it! That’s my counseling approach in a nutshell.
Jeffrey J Howlett, M.Ed, LMHC, LMFT 