Managing Anger

Dealing with anger can be very challenging.  I think of anger as a kind of energy – like fire.  It gets under your skin and many people deal with it by returning it with equal force.  It’s like a hot potato that no one wants to hold.

Be careful!  Venting anger in an unhealthy way can lead to alienating family, friends, and co-workers.  In worst case scenarios, it can lead to broken relationships, divorce, job loss, and assault.

So, it’s vital to manage anger to guard against potentially unpleasant consequences.

What is anger?  Well, it’s a feeling.  It’s your body’s way of telling you that you’ve been wronged (well, maybe) in some way.  But, what is the belief underlying the feeling?  If you’re not sure what the belief is then ask yourself, “What does this situation say about me as a person?”  That will probably lead you to the underlying belief.  Is this underlying belief part of a negative core belief?

So, how do you deal with it?  Telling people that you’re angry usually results in other people becoming defensive which may lead to even more anger.

People usually respond better if you talk about anger in a less defensive way.  Repeating things back to people or reflecting back situations helps to dispel potentially angry situations.  “You just yelled at me.”  “Did you just tell me to go f— off?” “Why did you do/say that?”  “How would you like it if someone did that to you?”  Getting underneath anger and talking about the hurt underneath can be the best way to manage it.  Most people want to help people who are hurting.  People usually avoid people who are angry.

If you can’t talk about it then sometimes taking a break helps.  It can be as simply as STOP…TAKE A BREATH…THINK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED…EXHALE…RESPOND.  Or, it may mean talking to a friend, running an errand, or going for a walk.  Trying to see the humor in the situation helps.  Can you see how silly or stupid the situation, or person, is being?

There’s a difference between reacting to a situation and responding to a situation.  Reacting to a situation usually means giving back what was given to you or fighting fire with fire.  Most people fight fire with water.  If someone yells at you then you yell right back at them.  If someone punches you in the face then you punch them right back, etc.  Politically, if someone drops a bomb on you then you drop one on them.  How sad.  Conversely, responding implies that you STOP then THINK about how to deal with the situation in a way that transforms it.

Assertiveness is a way of dealing with anger and other negativities in a healthy way.  Assertiveness is when you have respect both for yourself and the other and respond to a potentially volatile situation in a way that honors that respect.

Can you have empathy and compassion for the target of your anger?  Doing so will set you free from the bondage that anger creates.

Good luck!