Active Listening

When working with couples one of the first skills that I attempt to teach is Active Listening. This skill is very helpful as a way to de-escalate conflict because it significantly reduces feelings of judgment and blame while increasing the feeling of being heard.  Oftentimes when conflicts arise couples are so busy defending themselves that they’re unable to hear what the other is saying – one person is ready with a cutting quip before the other has even spoken their next comeback.  If one spouse is perceived as the better arguer then the other might resort to labeling. The analogy that I often use when couple’s fight is that it’s as if each is equipped with both a sword and shield – a shield to defend oneself, and a sword to attack the other.  When couples are fighting with their swords and shields of words, how are they able to hear each other?

In Active Listening there is only one speaker and one listener.  Couple’s take turns talking.  There’s no talking over the person or interrupting.  Listeners are asked to suspend comments until it’s their turn.  The speaker cannot speak for more than 30 seconds.  Accusations, judgments, and labels are avoided, though it’s okay to disagree.  The speaker communicates their point by focusing on “I statements” such as “I feel” or “I think.”  The speaker places emphasis on describing actions and behaviors such as “When you do or say this then I feel/think this.”  The listener then repeats back what was heard and follows up by saying, “Did I hear you correctly?”  at which point the speaker either agrees or offers clarification.  When the listener correctly reflects back what was said then it’s their turn to speak.  This back and forth continues until everyone’s point has been made and everyone has felt heard.  Easy right?